What do you think of the beginning of this chapter?
Justin Alvarado sat in gym class observing Erica Nasso and her friends. Erica creeped him out. The way her lips puffed out when she frowned, the way she smiled with those horrid braces, and her shitty personality. No wonder she hated Savannah Ripley. Savannah was gorgeous while she looked like a constipated lizard on LSD. He felt like yelling at her, but he couldn’t, He was too nice for that. That kind of level was for Erica and Nicole Lyon. They were too scared to admit that they didn’t like Savannah. Especially Nicole. She just wanted to get a better reputation. As much as he had mixed feelings for Carter Atkins, he had rather seen him with Savannah than Nicole. Carter made Savannah happy. Carter wouldn’t like Erica and her friends so much if he knew what horrible people they were. And that was when he had an idea. Smiling slyly, he got up and walked over to Erica and her friends. Erica was discussing about how Deena Rodgers looked like a toad. He scoffed. At least Deena wasn’t a bitch like her. “Hey, Erica.†He forced, trying to put on the best smile. “Um…hi.†She said, shifting her glance towards Nicole who shrugged. “What do you want?†“I want to talk to you about Savannah and Carter.†He said, hardly containing his laugh inside. “Okay…†she ventured, narrowing her amber eyes at him. “Are you and Savannah friends?†“No, why? She’s weird.†Score one for me! He thought “Because she’s my friend and I want to know why you were saying so much shit to her on Facebook last night.†“Because Nicole is dating Carter and she needs to get over him.†She snapped. “Right, Nicole.†Nicole frowned at Justin. “What’s it to you, you’re a loser.†“I guess you’re only nice to Savannah because she’s on your ‘popularity’ level.†He said, putting air quotes around “popularityâ€. “I feel sorry for how pathetic she is.†Nicole said smugly. “Hey, Geoffrey.†He turned his attention to Geoffrey. “Didn’t Carter and Savannah make a cute couple?†Geoffrey laughed as if Justin had just said the most funniest thing in the world. “No, way. They’re like mismatched socks. They’re not the idea couple like him and Nicole.†Gotcha, you bigoted asshole! He thought satisfyingly. “See ya!†he shouted, darting out of the gym. He laughed to himself. Geoffrey was a racist, Nicole was a total bitch, and Erica was a racist. Wait until he told Savannah about his little meeting with the three dumbest people in the universe.
Books & Authors - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
A few points of constructive criticism, please don't take this personally, it's just what I observe as a writer myself. To be honest, it sounds very immature (or was that what you were trying to capture, a high school feeling?). It feels as if you are introducing characters a little too fast, take the time to flesh out one character before moving on to the next. It gets confusing very early on about who you're talking about, who likes who, and who acts a certain way. Take it easy, no one ever complains about getting a full character, even if they may seem inconsequential. It might be beneficial to place the setting before jumping straight into the dialogue. I didn't realize until the end of your writing that the people were even in a gym. It was almost jarring because I had pictured them standing outside, eating lunch or something. Also, there are some issues with use of quotation marks and punctuation inside and outside of the quotes, as well as with speaker tags (who is saying what) and capitalization after quotation marks. The links at the bottom of my answer may be of use. Also, if you are going to use swear words in your story, might as well write them, or use different words. The *** is distracting as the reader is left trying to figure out what word you were actually meaning. All in all, a good effort. Keep writing, and you'll soon find that your style will find itself, and that it will come easily and in a less contrived fashion. Good luck! The links below might help you, check them out.
2 :
firstly, this is my opinion = please don't get put off writing or take anything i say offensively you should introduce your characters a little slower as i had to keep scrolling to the top to check who you were talking about. can you use an adjective other then "shitty" as that doesn't really give alot away e.g cunning, condecending, self rghteous - things like that also i'm probz wron here (at least i hope i am) but it sounds like you know people like this and are getting at them in -- again i'm probably wrong so sorry if i am also, all your "bad" charachters seem to be racist - mix the traits up a bit hope this helps :D
3 :
It does sound a bit immature, that's true. Also, the characters seem to be introduced way too early into the story --- it's hard for the reader to picture what exactly is going on when they don't know who is what is when or why. Other than that, keep working on it and you'll do great! Hope I helped, but if I didn't then hope you get your best answer soon!
Read more other entries :
